Legacy Burden

My therapist has given me certain tasks before our next meeting, one of which is to explore my family's particular "legacy burden" and how this affects me as a writer. I think this is significant because I come from a family of perfectionists and perfectionism, I'm convinced, is the diametrical opposite of creativity. Not to mention that it can cripple someone who is getting ready to bring out a book and thus subject themselves to public analysis. So I need to think about this, break it down....and get over it. It sounds stupid when you write it down but here goes - my attempt to analyze my family's philosophy.

There is shame in the act of wanting something. I remember an aunt telling me, following the bruising of my first romantic breakup, “Act like you don’t care.” I believe that line is on my family crest.

Act like you don’t care.


I have a cousin who went to college to study French, aced her placement exams and wound up in a hard class, and immediately switched her major rather than to admit she didn’t understand what the other students were saying. I understand that sort of decision, that sort of flight, because another family motto is “If you can’t do it well, don’t bother doing it at all.”

If you can’t do it well….don’t bother doing it at all.

Ergo a family that rarely ends up taking risks or doing anything new. Ergo a family of teachers, people who feel comfortable explaining things to the peons but who would rather die than be caught in the act of learning something themselves. Learning something is shameful, because if you were really smart and capable, you would have been born knowing how to do it. Line three of the family crest would be


You should be naturally good at things.


At the roots of all this is not just fear, but a deep and crippling perfectionism. Hard on anyone, but perfectionism can absolutely cripple a writer. I think this is the legacy burden I need to drop in the upcoming months as I prepare for the publication of my book. I have to overcome the shame of publicly wanting something…deliberately going after something….making mistakes along the way and …having to learn as I go. These don’t sound like appalling crimes when you list them. But in my family they’re the ultimate no-nos